Offering a vision of hope in a country used to hopeless idiots anyway.

 

POSITION PAPERS

  • The Rob Doctrine
    Pre-Emptive Attacks: Can We Afford to Wait That Long?

  • Rob on UN Reform
    Fixing the UN by Kicking Out All The Foreigners

  • Rob on Welfare Reform
    What Have the Poor Done for You Lately?

  • Rob on Education Reform
    Is College Football Getting Too Soft?

  • Rob on Health Care
    Mandatory Breast Implants, Isn't It About Time?

  • Rob on Gun Control
    Isosceles vs Weaver Stance

  • Rob on Criminal Justice
    This Crap Didn't Happen When We Had Public Floggingsl 

  • Rob on Judicial Reform
    Unborn Kids vs Serial Killers... Which Really Deserves the Death Penalty?

  • The Pro-Choice Option


I'll spend every dime on beer and women. Those other candidates would probably just waste it.

The TRUTH behind the
Janet Jackson Superbowl
"Costume Malfunction"

The next "Rednecks for Rob" red-meat-up will be held at Southlake Feed n Bar-B-Que on Feb 12th at 6:30 PM. BYOB.

JOIN US BY ADDING YOUR ENDORSEMENT!

Contact: rob2004@texasbesthomes.com 
and we'll make you famous!

ENDORSEMENTS


NATALIE MAINES
Dixie Chick

OK, I'm proud to say Rob's from Texas. Now gimme the pictures... and the negatives.

RANDOM GUY AT PARTY

The dude that brought the keg? Yeah, he'd be a hell of a President!


MARTHA STEWART
Investment Expert

Rob for President? A_Good_Thing


RUSH LIMBAUGH
Media Mogul

I call Rob before each show for advice. I'm humbled in his presence.


BEN O. LODEN
Night Clerk - Jiffy-Mart

Rob is a great man. He comes in often and seldom steals from us.


ERIC SECHRIST
aka "Newwave"

Sure, you're the next Abe Lincoln. Can I go back to bed?


The Candidate celebrates his amazing showing in New Hampshire where he tied Dick Gephardt.

 

January 29, 2004
A Message from the Candidate
Face it... despite their "I was raised a poor black child in Alabama" routine... most of the candidates are filthy rich. I on the other hand, could use the job. Did you know being President pays almost as much as a lot of football coaches get? Not pro coaches maybe, but better than a lot of really good high school coaches. I'd be a lot more likely to keep my promises for that kinda money.

Here's what I'm up against:

THE INCUMBENT


"Nucular"

 PRES. GEORGE W. BUSH - Strategerist 
As we know, half of the country hates Bush. While I really have no big problem with the boy, I have the advantage of only being hated by those I know. That's a lot less than hates him. 

Suddenly he wants to "normalize" illegal aliens to appease Hispanics and is spending like a drunken sailor to woo the arts crowd. Good going George... obsequious pandering worked so well for Gray Davis. And what's with the Mars crap?  

Hey, I won't pussyfoot around offering to fund Channel 13 so you can watch old Brit comedies. I'll just be straight up and offer to buy your vote, cash-on-the-barrel, unmarked small bills. 

Besides, I *can* pronounce "nuclear".

TODAY'S DEMOCRAT FRONT-RUNNERS
Alternately there's the circus-act the Democrats offer. For example: 

Dean hollers a lot about "Washington insiders" and "lobbyists". The whole time he did it in Iowa he was standing next to Senator Tom Harkin, a Washington insider married to a lobbyist. Matter of fact, the new campaign manager is a lobbyist AND a Washington insider. Didn't they tell Howard? 

But Dean was the front-runner... at least until he decided the way to sway Iowans was to invade with an army of self-righteous 20 year-olds in orange beanies. Oh well, at least he got his meds stabilized. Before his ship inevitably sinks, here's Howard and the cast.


"I was angry when angry wasn't cool."		 GOV. HOWARD DEAN - "I have a scream...."
On foreign policy, Dean suggested we use the Soviet Union to pressure Iran. Maybe the newspaper delivery in his state is a bit slow, but when accusing an opponent of inept policy, making televised recommendations that include assistance of entities defunct for a decade or so might be a bad idea.  

On the domestic side, when Dean tried to appeal to southern voters he started talking about Confederate flags on pickups. Apparently he views all southerners as roughly similar to the retarded banjo kid in "Deliverance". Next he'll appeal to blacks by sharing about his affinity for watermelon and moon-pies. 

I'm guessing Howard doesn't get out of Vermont much.

OK, John... Sharpton has a cheap haircut. Can we finish the debate now?		 SEN. JOHN KERRY - A Poodle for All Seasons
 Kerry is a self made man, provided getting rich by marrying and divorcing heiresses counts. Talks a lot about the plight of "the average working man", which is how politicians avoid ever becoming one. 

If he goes 5 minutes without mentioning his Vietnam exploits he gets the shakes. He publicly discarded those medals years ago, but somehow they magically reappeared on his wall as well as in his speeches. 

Even John doesn't know what he believes, except he believes he'd like to be President. He likes to bird-hunt, but opposes guns. He voted to go to war with Iraq, but he's mad cause we did. OK, he wasn't mad 'til everyone clapped when Dean got mad, but anyway he's really mad now. Really.

 

THE CHALLENGERS
The next three just made delirious post-primary victory speeches about what a win it was to get the snot beat out of them in New Hampshire. That's like a coach giving a half-time speech about cool it is to be one of the top two teams on the scoreboard. The heck with the front-runners... these guys are losing to "Undecided".

Optimism is nifty until it starts to look like you're just oblivious. Do we want a Commander-in-Chief that can't tell a victory from a pants-down whipping? 

Seriously John, how much money have you taken from trial lawyers?		 SEN. JOHN EDWARDS - The Cute, Smart Lawyer
("I'm the nice one, unlike those other bastards")   

Edwards was so happy about his 4th place showing in New Hampshire he really should be drug-tested. Otherwise John is so charming and likable you almost forget he made his fortune screwing up your insurance rates by chasing ambulances and telling oafs who tripped at the grocery store to "Get the Money You DESERVE!". 

He hates "special interests". He's yet to successfully explain how that affects the fact that the golden-egg in his campaign treasury is largely the product of massive donations from trial lawyers. Please define "special interest"?

He's positioned himself as the nice guy... proving nice guys don't really finish last, just not first. Little chance he'll get nominated, but good chance he'll be begged to take the VP spot. He was last seen in a statistical tie with...

Is my 15 minutes up?		 GEN. WES CLARK - Warrior Without a Clue
Wes was tickled with a distant 3rd place in New Hampshire. He accomplished this feat after having the state virtually to himself while everyone else was flipping pancakes and kissing asses in Iowa.

Given that not long ago he was on record as being pro-Bush and was out stumping for Republican candidates, he's doing surprisingly well in the Democratic polls, having received more votes than say, Pat Robertson.

He's locked in a side-bet battle with Edwards over which was poorer growing up. To win this point he dresses at Good Will before each debate. If he wants a bump in the polls he should promise that if elected he'll buy a shirt that fits.

Al, if you need this knife you can take it out of my back now.		 SEN. JOE LIEBERMAN - Dazed & Confused
If Joe is to be believed, the 5th place showing in New Hampshire was not only the equivalent of a tie for 3rd, it was all a part of his grand plan. 

This is a bit of a fall for the guy his party admits would be the incumbent VP if only Al Gore supporters in one state could read a ballot or punch a hole in perforated paper like their purportedly more adept GOP counterparts. [OK, it begs the question whether they'd still have supported Gore if they'd been as smart as those who voted otherwise, but it's considered impolite to mention it, as is pointing and laughing at a co-worker who always arrives with his fly unzipped.] 

In his defense, Joe has more experience than anyone in the race, and is the only one not lying though his teeth about his former position on Iraq. He got a late start on the race because he promised not to run if his old running mate did. So Gore waited a reasonable length, finally decided not to run, then endorsed Howard Dean.

On the campaign trail Joe's about as popular as SARS. If there's anything this party will not forgive, it's integrity. 

Don't be pointing your finger at me Botox-boy.		 REV. AL SHARPTON - Token Ethnic Stereotype
Lost the coin toss with Jesse Jackson, so Al is reprising the role Jesse played in the last few elections, but without the Seussian dialogue. This he replaced with an outstanding routine of stand-up comedy, a portion of which appears to be intentional.

He knows he has about as much chance of winning as the local high school team has of going to the Superbowl, but winning even a few delegates would give him a voice at the convention, and they serve sandwiches at the debates.

One of these days we'll have a black President, but is there some reason this party only runs black preachers whose primary message is about skin-color? Hey! I have an idea. How about somebody with outstanding credentials who just *happens* to be black? Naaah.

CONCLUSION

I can't do any worse than this cadre of psych-ward refugees, so come November, remember to write in my name. If you're in Florida, have someone who can read the ballot do so for you. I'll make a fine President. Heck, I can't wait to meet the interns.

Regards - Your future President... 

Rob Jones

PS: Stay tuned to this site, your source for real news just as I imagine it to be.
 

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