| WORLD'S
TOP STORIES |
Mariner, 3
Ships, Presumed Lost
"Columbus sailed off edge"
posits expert
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SPAIN- Having set sail months ago, the explorer and his crew are
presumed by naval cartography experts to have sailed over the edge of the
world. "It's marked right there on the maps" said one... "I
don't know how he could have missed it. It's clearly marked right after
'Here be snakes and serpents'."
Meanwhile radical round-earthers, who endorsed Columbus contention the
world is not flat, have forwarded their own theory. "There isn't an
edge to sail over, so there's a perfectly plausible scientific explanation
for this. Most likely they were merely eaten by dragons or the Kraken"
(shown above in sketch from eyewitness account from previous disaster).
"It's time we put these silly flat-earth morons in their place."
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 ROMAN
LEGION PUTS END TO CHRISTIANITY
JERUSALEM - Roman authorities announced that in the interest of all
concerned it was best they "nipped this insurgency in the bud".
"He had people questioning our authority, but you can be sure you'll never
hear from those guys again" said Centurion Gabbius Marcus, head of
the crucifixion detail. "Trust me on this... they'll
scatter like flies" he added with a grin. "In a few years nobody
will remember this guy's name."
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Dang I
wish I hadn't said that.
Real quotes... well, maybe. I don't plan to spend all day verifying 'em,
but feel free. If you find a misquote... write your own site next time.
:-p
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military
value."
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Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre
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"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous
fiction".
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Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
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"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between
action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out
daily in high schools."
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1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this
country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --
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The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
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"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in
order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
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A Yale professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found FedEx.)
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are
impossible."
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Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the
experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do
this."
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Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
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"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be
shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
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Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
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"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be
seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
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Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial
value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --
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David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
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"But what ... is it good for?" --
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Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
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"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
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Bill Gates, 1981
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GET TROOPS OUT OF JERUSALEM !
MID-EAST TO BE A QUAGMIRE?
LONDON - King Richard has again been accused of having no real reason for
invading the Mid-East and for wasting public funds to wage a personal religious
crusade.
The King pointed to the evil represented by those in control of the region,
and said that it is "God's will" that he continue the mission.
"The way you guys talk you'd think this was gonna go on forever or
something."
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 MODERN
BODY ARMOR & CUTTING EDGE WEAPONS GIVE OUR BOYS THE EDGE
ENGLAND -- Rest easy folks, the best Saracen sword cannot penetrate the
military's latest and greatest body armor... and the English long sword gives
him an edge both in length and durability. "Within 3 years the entire Holy
Land will be in English control" predicted the Royal Armorer... "and
as for France... well, you know."
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 MAGINOT
LINE "IMPENETRABLE"
FRANCE - After one time too many of having foreign troops tromp the grapes,
France decided to do something about it. Enter the defensive line that sets the
standard... the Maginot Line. "If I do say so myself", said a defense
source... "this interconnected line of reinforced bunkers will effectively
END German aggression on our soil for the next hundred years."
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POINT / COUNTER-POINT
A cigar is just a phallic symbol.
- by Sigmund Freud
Huh? No, MY cigar is just a cigar.
-
also by Sigmund Freud
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STILL
MORE NEWS
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 STAR
LINE UNVEILS UNSINKABLE SHIP
UK - In a move guaranteed to set Star apart in the market
battle with rival Cunard Lines... an audience of thousands was on hand as
they christened their new flagship, the "unsinkable"
Titanic.
Star executives touted its unique design and said this ship will set a
new standard in safety and comfort. We promise the passengers..."This
is a voyage that will long be remembered!"
 GATLING
: NEW GUN MAY END WAR
George Gatling has invented a device, the "machine"
gun, that he is sure will be so great a deterrent that war will
cease. A proto-type may soon be coming to a battlefield near you.
EDSEL: TRIUMPH OF
MARKET RESEARCH 
In the interest of meeting consumer needs, Henry Ford has applied the
scientific method to the creation of an automobile for the first time.
"This baby has everything the American consumer wants according to
our polls... I can't wait to see what happens when it hits the sales
floor!"
WRIGHT BROTHERS
HEED REASON... 
After being informed for the umpteenth time that a heavier than air craft
can't fly, Wilbur and Orville ditched plans to build such a craft... and
sunk their money into dirigibles. "I really wanted to make a go of
it" said Orville, "but you can't argue with the experts."
"As neither had formal training, it is for the best" said the
lead designer for a zeppelin manufacturer. "Hydrogen... that's the
future."
 DECCA
PASSES ON ANOTHER GUITAR BAND...
Confronted with yet another guitar band, this one an unkempt bunch from
England no less, execs said "We don't like their sound, and guitar
music is on the way out." Stockholders will be pleased that Decca has
their thumb on America's pulse.
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SAFETY GROUP SAYS AIMS ARE LIMITED
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"Once we get these cheap Saturday-nite hand-bows off the
street we're done" says spokesman.
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WAR AVERTED THRU
APPEASEMENT
"I believe it is peace in
our time" says jubilant PM.
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New 1% tax on income alarms ministers...
"Next they'll want the Lord's tithe."
Government sources called such alarmist views "laughable and
paranoid".
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"Soon there will be no
unbelievers" promises Pope
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| Famous
Last Thoughts |
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