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VOLUME 01  ISSUE 08

News From The Penguin Forum and Around The World

  

 

 26 June 2003
 
 TODAY'S TOP STORY
Supreme Court Strikes Down
 'Thinly Disguised Racism'
"WELL disguised racism still A-OK" says court
Photo illustrates probable link between good education and bad clothing choices.
WASHINGTON D.C. -- In a landmark ruling the Supreme Court addressed two affirmative action cases involving admissions at the University of Michigan. The court cited as unconstitutional the undergraduate policy, which justices called a "thinly disguised quota system". 

A "much better disguised" version in use by the Michigan law school was ruled OK. Answering on grounds that he remain anonymous, Justice David Souter said... "Hell, of course we know it's racism to pick one guy over another because of his skin color, but we really really think they mean well". The KKK has tentatively declared this ruling a victory.

Though numerous scholars say a policy favoring one race over another blatantly defies the 14th amendment ideal of "equal protection under the law" (for ALL citizens, not just those that are someone's favorite color)... Clinton appointee Ruth Bader Ginsburg, best known for her stellar performance in the 1938 blockbuster "Wizard of OZ", stated "Well, that depends on how you define 'equal' ". She then went back to reading "Animal Farm" and was seen mouthing the words... "but some are more equal than others". 

Perennial swing-vote Sandra Day O'Conner suggested admission policies that use racial preferences should probably stop in about 25 years. She was silent about just when the constitution began allowing exceptions to its provisions as long as the practice doesn't last too long. "We normally wouldn't subordinate the US constitution to cultural fashion, but it was Breyer's birthday. We wanted to get him something nice".

Clarence Thomas, the high court's only black justice, wrote a scathing dissent. Asked to summarize, Justice Thomas said "Lawzy Massa we's happy y'all thought bout us... but we kin git learned jus like white folk". Glaring at the justices around him he continued... "Guess you guys think blacks are so naturally inferior we just can't beat whites on a level field. Thanks for the vote of confidence... assholes. We're dark, not stupid."

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  HEADLINES OF THE DAY
Hilary salutes author's successHillary Glad for Potter Author's Success

NEW YORK -- Hillary may trail Harry in sales, but the paired release has truly been magic for bookstores. The two books are credited with setting a new single week record for sales of fiction... though some say "such a compelling story must surely be true" on reading the Harry Potter saga. 

Don't I look more Presidential than those other screwballs?Former Pres Declares Candidacy for 2004 

ALSO NEW YORK - In a move that surprised nobody, former President Clinton announced he's running again. Reminded that an individual cannot be elected more than twice per the constitution, he smiled and said "Guess it depends on how you define "twice". Campaign manager Mandyky could not be reached for comment. 

Texas Sodomy Law Declared Unconstitutional  

PENGUIN  FORUM -- In response to the thread about Canadian Gay Marriages, the US high court struck down the Texas law in a belated effort to achieve forum parity. "No way we're letting the durn Cannucks get all the press" said the Chief Justice. Most editors say the ruling will not affect their decision to attend the NC get-together. 

 OPINIONS
 

GUEST EDITORIALS
Driver Safety tips while higher than a kite 
Chante Mallard

Convicted in 15 minutes?! Glad I slaughtered my wife & baby in a more sophisticated state. 
Scott Peterson

ADD YOUR VOTE

 If a tree falls in the forest and the forum won't open to tell anyone... does it still count?
Betting pool:
Guess how many years our guest editor will get to spend thinking up new safety tips
Isn't Monkey Pox a fun word? Monkey pox monkey pox monkey pox!
 

ODP PLAYERS PRESENT FIRST PERFORMANCE !

It seemed like such an easy thing... but these guys put in a LOT of work to bring you the Potter crew!

Katy , Ciaran and Timski practice lines before the Friday night opening.

Katy1212, Ciaran, and Timski play the courageous trio
RP chats with the bird that elevated him to the lead role RPFuller bravely filled in when Ciaran  got Monkey Pox. Who knew owls were carriers?
Newwave poses in character. We're still pretty sure the real Snape didn't have a tutu under his robes. Newwave made a devastatingly dangerous looking Snape
Two words fella... Jenny Craig. Unknown vagrant agreed to play  Hagrid in exchange for a six-pack of beer and a place to sleep. We never did figure out what he was saying, but he looked great in the costume.
Xrysostum after sampling a bit too much of his own brew Xrysostom IS Dumbledore. We had quite a time convincing him otherwise after a couple of toddies at the cast party.
Cast celebrates at the after-party. Let's just say the ruling on the Texas law was timely. Whooping it up at the cast party after the final performance
Bob clowns while trying to break the ice on the first day. Director Bob Keating could always be counted on to keep us on our toes
 IN OTHER NEWS

FRUSTRATED DMOZ HAMSTER RESIGNS
Mr Jingles pauses on way out the door.
"I'm SO through taking heat for Autumn" says Mr. Jingles 

FORUM CIVILITY 
CRACK-DOWN! Hildea suggests removal of all who posted in thread "Luzer Above You"

Desperate World/Deutsch Eds Sacrifice Virgin... 
 
Forum still fucked up

HAMSTERLESS...
Editors resort to blaming Monkey Pox

METAS seek clues in Mozzie fixing scam. Suspect inside job. 

MISSING - Dmoz has officially posted the first Amber alert in an effort to locate forum threads that have gone missing. If you have seen them, call the Tips-Line...
(817) 223-1047. 

THOMAS JEFFERSON DESCENDENTS DENY NEW CLAIM
"He's fictional for heavens sake!"  says spokesman

Interview with:
Editor Jophan
Seriously, it's great. I can even tell the cops I just had ONE beer.


If you can't beat them... blow them away.

 

Personal Of The Day
Samiam

SAMIAM

I am Sam. Samiam. I need a girl to send me spam. She should not send it when I'm out, she should not do that, there's no doubt. She should not send it postage due, She must not copy you-know-who. 

 

Aw heck... just call me.

The Daily Editor® is not for children. Heck, even you probably shouldn't be reading this. Don't you have better things to do?

This is the fool who writes most of this drivel