APPLICATION TO BECOME A TEXAN
A Note from the Governor: 

This application is for men. We pick women when the Cowboy Cheerleaders hold annual try-outs. 

Thank you for understanding.
SECTION 1: BASIC IDENTIFICATION

First Name:________________  Middle:   Last:______________________

Nickname:_______________________________ CB Handle:_____________________ 

Daddy (Most probable):____________________________________

Other possible choices (for sake of brevity, do not include uncles)

1)___________________   2)___________________  3)___________________


Mamma's Name:_________________________

Your Neck Shade:  

# Teeth visible when you grin: Upper Lower

Cap Emblem on Head right now :

Number of Dogs:____         Type:

 

SECTION 2: APPROPRIATE TRANSPORTATION

1. Type Pickup owned:

2. My truck is equipped with:

Gun Rack Spittoon Confederate Flag
4-Wheel Drive Camper Top Dual CB Antennas
Load of Wood Mud Flaps Cassette Deck
Hijacker Shocks Big Dog Mud-Grip Tires
Air Horns Radar Detector Winch

3. Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck at present:______________

4. Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red? 

5. Which of the following bumper stickers are on the truck?:

 Eat more Possum  Guns Don't Kill People, I Do.  Hey, it's paid for
 America Love it or Leave it  Keep Honking, I'm Re-Loading  Sore/Loserman
 Red Man Chew   I-30 Goes Both Ways Asshole  Bush/Cheney 2000
 If yain't cowboy ya ain't shit  Honk if you love Jesus   Reagan for President 

 

SECTION 3: NATIVE SURVIVAL SKILLS

 A. Define the following foods (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits __________________________________________________________

2. Taters_________________________________________________________

3. Chitlins________________________________________________________

4. Pig Skins_______________________________________________________

5. Jalepenos_______________________________________________________

6. Chickin Fried Steak_______________________________________________

7. Okrie__________________________________________________________

8. Redeye Gravy ___________________________________________________

9. Soppin' Syrup____________________________________________________

10. Crawdads______________________________________________________


B. Which of the following would be OK to play on the juke box ?

Reba McEntire Dixie Chicks George Strait
Barbara Streisand Ray Wylie Hubbard Alice Cooper
Hank Williams Jr Cher Shania Twain
George Jones Willie Nelson  Puff Daddy

C. Which comments are inappropriate to make to a guy next to you at a bar?

Thank God Jerry Jones replaced Landry. 

That Natalie Maines makes me proud to be an American.

Hey, don't they have any show tunes on this juke box?

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

Need a ride to the Kerry rally? Whoopi's gonna be there. 

I'll tell you how we used to handle that issue in New Jersey.

I'll say she's hot. Looks just like Danae on "All My Children"!

Six kinds of steak and no Sushi? I say we just check out the wine list.

Is there a nice 4-star hotel near this deer lease? 

So, what's your sign?

My psychiatrist says I'm finally in touch with my inner child.

So does your wife always dress like that or is there a costume party?

How 'bout that ballgame last night?

D. Rank these in order of acceptability: (1 = best , 9 = worst)

I have just come from... 

__ an AA meeting __ Hunstville Prison __ a high school football game
__ the DNC Convention __ a whorehouse __ killing my elderly neighbor
__ church __ the ballet __ visiting my brother in New York

[Note: If you listed "DNC Convention" higher than #10, do not continue this application. You're done.]

 


 SECTION 4: RECREATION

A. Favorite Friday evening past-times:

Cow Tipping Monster Trucks Honky Tonkin
Bass Fishin Hunting 4 Wheelin
Catfishin Horse Shoes Drinking
NASCAR Skinny Dippin  Drinking

B. Seasons in which I regularly bag my limit:

Deer Season Duck Season Black Powder Season
Dove Season Bow Season Tourist Season


C. Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?

If so, why?_________________________________________________

D. # / Type Firearms (Due to limited space, list repeating arms only)

Deer Rifles * Number___ * Calibers: ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, 

Large-Bore Shotguns * Number___ 

Varmint Caliber Shotguns * Number * Bores: ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___,

Varmint Rifles * Number * Caliber: ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___

# Handguns ________ (Don't bother counting those below  .38 Cal)

E. How many of those listed above are...

1: On your person now? ______ 

2. In your truck? _______ 

3. Armor piercing? ______

 

SECTION 5: MARITAL STATUS

A. Are you Married?

If the answer above is "yes" please answer the following:

B. My wife is also my :____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow

C. Do you know her name?

D. Does she weigh more than vehicle listed in Section 2? 

SECTION 6: EDUCATION BACKGROUND

A. Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?

B. Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?

C. Have you been arrested for Indecency when counting to 21 or higher?

D. Do you know any words that have more than four letters?

E. Did you graduate from a real University? If so, which?  

Please mail completed application to: 

Texas Dept of Immigration & Naturalization / Austin TX 

NOTE: IF THIS APPLICATION IS DENIED YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR CITIZENSHIP IN  OKLAHOMA. 
THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, AND YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT TEXAS.

Courtesy Rob Jones... http://www.TexasBestHomes.com .
Some content stolen liberally from other sources. I prefer to call it "research".